A Tour of my Heart

I really shouldn't be here...not by myself. It's not healthy anymore. I need someone. To stay with me all the time. Phury does. But he's not here now...next to me. Holding my hand. That's because he can't be while I'm here. The most he can do at this point is talk to me. I came because I wanted to read something....that's important to me now. It wasn't before. In fact, some one could've burned it and I wouldn't have given so much as a second glance. But now...now I need it. It's one of my ties to reality. *sighs* If you know me...you understand the reason for that. If you don't...you'll have to get along not knowing. I wrote a poem earlier, it's odd. I don't really like it. But it helped me a little. And compelled me to write to the world...like I'm currently doing. Would you like to read it? Like I said, it kind of suck, because I'm not one for poetry. But bear with me please:

A Tour of my Heart

My heart aches to be with you,

I just can't see me without you,

At this point in my life,

I wish only to hear you,

To argue,

To be wanted by you,

My mind swirls in the loss,

Once my love, now my pain,

I don't think it will ever be the same,

Without you near me,

I can only stare blankly,

~I sing this song in the name of my love,

The one I lost to a chaotic soul,

I sing this song as my heart floats above,

I can't help but lose all control,

I will extend this invitation,

To a tour of my heart,

~I can't say goodbye,

Not yet, not now,

Only you can satisfy,

The quick pounding of my heart,

For now, I'll just fall apart,

This must punishment,

For what I've done, what I am,

The ultimate judgment,

By burning my heart,

As only a death can,

I can't take the pain,

Not by myself, not alone,

I can't stand the rain,

With you I found a home,

~I sing this song in the name of my love,

The one I lost to a chaotic soul,

I sing this song as my heart floats above,

I can't help but lose all control,

I will extend this invitation,

To a tour of my heart,

~Two things keep me here,

Two things I hold dear,

For the rest of my life,

They promised to help me through this strife,

One lies within me,

The other is by my side,

One of them you gave me,

The other one stands by,

This impossible heart ache,

Threatens to devour me,

This insatiable need to see you,

Torments me,

I was happy once,

As I hope to be again,

They tell it's what you'd want,

Should I believe them?

~This torrent wind pulls at my mind,

I may lose myself to your death in time,

But as you once said,

"I can't live my life dead"

So I will survive with your voice in my head,

And my heart will remain,

Cold and still in the rain,

Which reminds me of you,

And all that you do,

For to me you still live,

As you once truly did,

And I'll smile for a while,

When I see your face in my dreams,

And live in this world,

Desolate as it may be,

~I sing this song in the name of my love,

The one I lost to a chaotic soul,

I sing this song as my heart floats above,

I can't help but lose all control,

I will extend this invitation,

To a tour of my heart...

~Rioriki Lee Fe Tazuna~

I hope Phury stays with me...I don't know how we would survive without him. Yes, I know I said we...you can figure that out your self. I also hope ~Riukuru~ is happy where he is. *smiles*


R.I.P Riukuru


I send my love to paradise,
Rioriki Lee Fe Tazuna

How is this at all possible?

--Naname'--

Now people...you may wonder...what the hell is she talking about?! That, I will explain in a matter of moments. But first, I have to tell you that I am extremely irritated by people who think they know it all but when I say all...I mean ALL. I'm talking about the people who believe everything they do, and everything they say...is right. Never wrong but always and forever right. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!!! I mean unless your the creator of the universe, and you know all the answers to lifes questions. Then you don't know everything!!! Trust me...it's true. Now, to the point. Not only is there someone like that at my host's school. But there's someone like that in the pack!! They just don't admit they're wrong. Like ever! I swear it pisses me off. Not only that but the dude thinks he's the toughest nut to crack. No one can beat him or hurt him or anything. You know why? Because he knows everything...and I'm the master of the underworld. *rolls her eyes* Like that would ever happen. Not only is he a know it all...but he frightens me. The guys sadistic... he's always got some kind of sharp object with him. And he seems to like to show it off to me. I hate it, it scares me. It makes me want to jump under a boulder and hide there the rest of my life. I told Lord Darius about it, but he said he allows weapons within the pack. And if he took that guys away, he'd have to take everbodies. And then it would be never ending chaos. He's got a point. I can't be mad at the guy for wanting to be my friend and all, but I get the feeling that if I let him to close he'll skin me. Or something. The way he holds it seems like a threat. I'm not good with stuff like that...not since my brothers...Anyway, the guys weird. But he's part of the pack *sighs* I have to accept him. I think I need a body gaurd. How is it possible for someone to be so freaking nuts?!!! On a better note I have a dancing partner I don't know for how long, but still! The Scholars cool, I think his real name is Osumaru but I call him Scholar. He's younger then me. But I like him, he's not retarded or immature. And really, he's not that much younger then me. Hehehehehe. I just met him like a few weeks ago. We're friends now! Weee *smiles* lol anyway. I'm out of this joint. Hehe j/k.

Love Always,
Naname' (nah-nah-may(or nah-nah-meh))

P.S. I think the know it all psycho guy should meet the Scholar. Maybe it'll help his sanity a bit more. lol

Suya Said...

This is probably a huges mistake....the Masters will find out about this somehow and be angry with me...but Suya said it was okay....she said I should...so I suppose....She said I'm supposed to write about my past so it wasn't torturing my mind. I don't think it is...but I'll listen to her. I don't know how to start...Hm...I know.

December 19

"If you do it, I'll leave."
"No you won't, boy stop lying."
"I'm completely serious, dad. I'll leave."
"Isaac..perhaps...he is serious.."
"Nonsense, Kane."
"It isn't nonsense, dad!"
"You see? He's not kidding."
"We'll see then, Arden. We'll see."
"Hmph."

The voices of my Father, my Mother, and my older brother echoed through the hallways into my room. Their comtemplation of this painful matter kept me awake. Of course when conserning me, nothing is simple. Everyone has sacrificed something for me, has even given away their most precious belonging to spare me...except for my Father. He has given nothing, yet taken so much. I begin crying, self hatred washing through me once again, for causing m family so much distress. Arden comes quickly to my room. He lifts me from my bed, with one arm.

"Stop crying, Noden. It's not your fault."
"It is..."
"It is not. Stop blaming yourself right now."
"O-okay.."

I choke back my tears and wipe my face, he smiles at me. I notice he's missing two of his front teeth. I tentatively ask him what happened. He explains that he lost them in a fight. I'll be it was because of me. He sets me down again and leans against me bed, pushing his oddly long blonde hair behind his ear.

"Can you sleep now, Noden?"
"Will you stay untill I do?"
"Yeah, I can do that."

He sta on the edge of my bed and decided to hum a song he wrote for me at that moment. I fell asleep quickly, so I know not how long he was there. But I'm sure it was a while because one day he told me how he enjoys watching me sleep. The next day I woke to the sound of Arden screaming at the top of his lungs. It hurt his throat I could tell. My Mother spoke next when he stopped.

"Arden, baby please. There's nothing we can do. We need the money..."
"So your going to sell my baby brother?! He's not even a year old!"
"I know...this isn't easy for me either..."
"But your going to allow it! Your going to let them take him! Just snatch him from our lives and act like he was never there? Don't you think he might remember us?!"
"He's too young to remember this..."
"How would you know? You don't talk to him! You don't even tuck him in at night. Your not by his side when he cries! You act like you don't recognize his face when you see him!"
"Arden...please..."

As I sat up, tears beginning to fill my eyes, I heard my Fathers voice boom throughout the house. I flinched, quietly, I had to see. I had to know. I had to see their faces one last time. I climbed out of bed and padded down the hall, to the kitchen where they held every argument.

"Your not making this any easier, Arden."
"So!? Your selling your own flesh and blood."
"Oh my god...we're horrible people..."

My Mother began to cry, bloody tears escaped her eyes, falling through the curtain of snow white hair that framed her face. My big brother glared at her briefely, before realizing that she too, was feeling quite upset about this. That his true enemy was only Father.

"Your trying to tear us all apart aren't you?"
"Why would I be trying to tear apart my own family?"
"Your giving up both of your sons. And slowly killing your wife. You tell me."
"Stop talking."

My Father turned and stalked out of the room ending the conversation. Arden turned to my Mother and spoke softly. Questioning when they were coming to take me. She spoke quietly as well, he looked over at me.

"Go get dressed."
"What for, Arden?"
"Now, Noden."

I nodded briskly and rushed off to my room, changing as uickly as possible. He came in a few moments later, stuffing money into my pocket. He beckoned me to follow him, after I had put on my shoes. He stopped at the kitchen doorway, where Mother stood, holding our coats, holding back tears.

"Good luck, I love you both."
"I love you too, mom."
"I love you Shifiro. I'm sorry."
"I love you too, Mother.."

She gave us our coats and kissed us quickly, before turning away. She couldn't handle watching us leave. I knew I walked slowly, but never slowly enough for Arden to pick me up and run with me. He ran briskly, making no sound. When he stopped his eyes were blank, aimless.

"Brother?"
"I love you, Noden."
"A-Arden?"

Before I knew it I was ripped from my brothers arms. By someone much larger, stronger than him. I screamed his name, when I began drifting from him, the part between us becoming greater and greater. I heard him say my name before e too disappeared. Nothing left of him but my memoiries from that day forward. Nothing left to do but sink down into complete submission. A numbness beyond death. That is my mind.

That's all I have to write about...I suppose I'm done now...

Lost,
Shifironodenmaru

Reva

-_-_-_-_- Hatarunei


Her post get's an icky color, 'cause I don't like her. I mean I REALLY don't like her. She's mean, rude, inconsiderate, and in my way. She goes to my school and she thinks she knows more than me 'cause her dad is in the army. Excuse me, MY DAD OWNS THE ARMY! She thinks she's oh so smart. Miss I'm-gonna -insult-you-and-then-ask-you-to-play-with-me. Yeah right! She said my dad was 'a misuse of authority' I don't know what that means but, I'm insulted. I'm gonna get my cousins on her. I have enough to take her out. Ryo, Yoko, Nami, Shiroi, Kyara, Tara, Ryuu, Jun-Tei, Kei-Tei, Leiko, and if I wait till Auntie Sora and Auntie Nae have their kids I'll have even more for her destruction! I can hear the drums of war sounding. I Will Take Her Out.

She has To Pay,
Hatarunei Kanjiru

My Boyfriend Left Me for My Sister.

Niva---

Hey flowers! How is everything? Don't worry about the title my boyfriend didn't leave me for my sister. Actually my boyfriend doesn't pay any attention to her unless she's crying or inturrupting something. But that's different. So anyway earlier today I was walking around and I found a 'wallet' of money! It was awesome luck. It had like $500 in it. So I took it and bought some new clothes and a new pair of cresent blades. They are so awesome. Of course I bought my sister some stuff too. I know your alll thinking "All of that must have cost you more than $500." But actually it didn't. Can you say 'Discount'? lol I didn't buy anything for full price. But I got top quality. God I love my line of work. You get so many benefits! What do I do to get such rewards? If I wanted to tell you....you would already know wouldn't you? Well, flowers, I think I'm going to go now. I have a job in a few. So I'm going to go pick up my file and get to work. Later flowers!

Watch your back,
Niva

Nei-Nei's Blog

Hatarunei----

'kay, so this blog is about two things: 1) My family 2) This blog. I think I'll star with this blog. The site itself is hardly ever used. And no one reads it, but I'm the one who has posted the most I think. And now I think it should be my blog. Does that sound mean? That I want it for myself? I concur (I learned that from my uncle) that it does sound a bit selfish, but it is kind of true. I do post the most. But I guess if it was my blog I would be here a lot writing in it and stuff. Constantly changing the format and things and then it might mess up the computer and blah blah. I don't think it will be mine but if it does become mine....I hope you continue to read it. Okay, now my family. Now, my brothers as you should know are...not smart sometimes. They get in trouble a lot...or they used to. Now they don't get in trouble, they don't do anything bad, they listen and they mind their manners and are respectful and everything! It's like a magic trick. But the downside to this is Papa won't talk to them anymore. I know someone out there is thinking "That doesn't make any sense, if their being good shouldn't he be praising them?" well I understand your confusion. You see, the last time they were bad they broke something Extremely important to Papa. He was really mad. So mad Momma was even afraid for a little while. Phon and Tsubara didn't even say sorry. Tsubara just ran to his corner in the kitchen and cried, and Phon stood there. Waiting for the punishment he thought was coming. Like normal. But this time Papa.....Papa just glared at him. He glared at Phon like he wanted to kill him. Then he disappeared and didn't come back for a while. Momma went after him and calmed him down. When they came back Phon and Tsubara and me were in bed, half asleep. I heard Momma and Papa go into their room and talk. Papa told Momma that he wasn't going to talk to Phon or Tsubara anymore. For a long time, he said he won't talk to them. And Momma agreed! That surprised me because normally Momma says something like "Now Hito, you know they don't mean it. They're just kids." or "I'm sure they've learned their lesson." then Papa agrees and everything goes back to normal. But this time Momma said "I completely agree. Ignore them as long as you want to, Hito." then they started speaking really quietly and I couldn't hear them no more. Since then Papa hasn't talked to them at all. He won't even say "mornin'" to them anymore when we all wake up. He only says it to me. At first Phon and Tsubara thought he was saying it to them too but Papa only looked at me and smiled. It made me sad a little bit. But I guessed Momma and Papa knew what they were doing. When Phon asks Papa a question Papa completely ignores him. He doesn't look around and ask "Who said that?" He just continues doing whatever like Phon never said anything. Yesterday I saw Tsubara crying in the garden underneath his favorite tree. I asked him what was wrong and he said "Dad doesn't love me anymore....I know it..." I told Tsubara that Papa still loved him but he didn't believe me. So I went inside and asked Papa if he still loved Tsubara.....but Papa didn't say anything. He just looked at me. I don't know what that means. Does he still love them or not? Phon doesn't show that he's affected but I know he is. I can hear him with Momma asking her when Papa will stop being mad, because he misses being able to hear Papa's stories, and reading with him and stuff. But Momma said she doesn't know, and I believe her. She has no idea. Just like the rest of us. I don't think Papa will ever get over this, but I hope he starts talking to Phon and Tsubara again soon. I feel like something in the family snapped and disappeared. So now we're all farther apart than we were before. I think I'll talk to Uncle Shunukasun about it. He knows everything 'cause he's old. Or maybe Uncle Kin....he talks to Papa a lot so maybe he knows. Oh oh! I know! I'll talk to Auntie Shunae and Uncle Lie when he gets back from Lance....France. Yeah France. He went to France with Auntie Tori to get married. Momma says they're going to come back with a cousin or two. I dunno. Maybe. I think I have enough cousins though. But it's okay to have a lot of cousins. Okay so I think I'm going to go to bed now. Good night.

Broken apart by invisible ice picks,
Nei-Nei