Light Festival

It's always been this way. Tight leather and chains, black and red mingling into blood. Anything else would be confusing. But looking through the photo's of my childhood with my little ones this afternoon brought back a thought. I used to be usual. I haven't always been outlandish and exotic. Haven't always been a slut. I remember now, days so long ago when I was running around in pink, catching butterflies in my father's gardens with Lie watching from the porch and Ki and Shunae at my side. Toddling along, trying to keep up. I remember childhood as a horrific experience. All the way through being a teenager until just a few years ago did I loathe my existence with the greatest passion. But I've been changed. i still have my style that can't be taken from me. That which sets me apart from every other Chinese girl. Every other dragon shaalma. Every other wife and mother. I'm still me. Despite what happens, has happened, will happen.

Can it change I wonder? Can the world change to accommodate my little daughter, who looks up to me as if I am the Moon? Will it hold true for my baby boy who wishes to be his father as a star wishes to be the Sun? Or will the world turn it's back on them as it has done to me? So many times I have wondered and prayed to my god that the world will have mercy on their tender hearts. Give light labor to their little hands and place only smooth paths in front of their soft feet. But today, as I helped them get ready to go to their first Light Festival, I realized, as every mother must, that I can only pray. I can only hold onto my dreams and fears as they battle through the world as I did. I will only be able to guide them and wipe away tears of bitter sorrow as the experience life for what it is.

As I type this, I wonder still if this is how my mother felt when she watched me dress for my own festival. If my father looks down on me in shame still for taking paths improper for a shaalma of my standing. Perhaps...perhaps they learned as I have learned that they cannot control what is no longer theirs. As you give birth, you give freedom and free will. Though you can guide and advise all you want. The choice is left to them.

My only hope now, as I pray for their safety on this night, is that I am able to continue to give them what I hope will aid them in the future.

愛,
小李，陈建宇*

*Xiao